If Gummo had a sequel . . .

We've all seen the indie cult classic that Harmony Korine made his directorial debut with called Gummo. Well, maybe not all of us, but a few of us. Who am I kidding? It was me and one other guy. Anyway it was a series of vignettes of a day in the life of a bunch of born losers who spent their time huffing glue, being cruel to animals, pimping out mentally handicapped siblings, pulling the plug on old folks and destroying private property. Come to think of it, it could have been a day in the life of politicians on Capitol Hill!

If this garbled mess of a movie gave birth to a sequel we could only hope that it would be stillborn, but we know that it would be made into a movie anyway. Look at what's out there right now - we're at the cinematic threshold of hell! What kind of characters would this new diarrhetic bowel movement contain? Let's meet the characters that Sphincto might bring forth, introduced by its leading man.

Hi there...this is me. Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin.

This is my mom. She has lots of 
boyfriends. One of them even has a job.

This is my brother Hank. He is in jail right now. When he gets out 
he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. She smells 
real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer.

This is Michael. He used to be my best friend but got 
killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

These are 2 kids we throw stuff at. There used to be 
3 of them. Mom says we can't throw heavy stuff no more.

Jake holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 
trailers. Jake crashed a lot and talks real slow 
now. His doctor told him to wear a helmet.

This is my Uncle Marky. He sells 
perfume in a department store and 
my mom says if I study real hard 
in school I can become just like him.

My mom says she is almost positive 
this is my dad. He lives in a Federal 
Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets
out in 55 years we are going fishing.

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and already in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name.

My half brother JimBob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

This is my older sister Sue Ellen. She has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.